


Monologue

by Kittywu



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, canonverse, gift for ghoul-phantomhive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-19
Updated: 2015-01-19
Packaged: 2018-03-08 04:10:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3194840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kittywu/pseuds/Kittywu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I know, I know, I told you countless times, I’ve told you pretty much every day. But that’s not what I mean, not those quick ‘I love you’s in the morning and in the hallways, not the heated ‘I love you’s between kisses. I have so many things to say that I never dare to say out loud because they’d be embarrassing and I’m afraid that they will suffocate you, that they are just a bit too much."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Monologue

**Author's Note:**

> We're not gonna talk about the fact that I overthrew 4 ideas, that I rewrote this like 6 times and that I didn't even want to write fluff.   
> But well, dear ghoul-phantomhive, this is your very late jearmin secret santa gift ^w^ 
> 
> //
> 
> Also, no this is not at all related to soliloquy. The title just seemed fitting.

“Hey, Armin, you know, there’s something I want to tell you. I don’t really know why I am saying all this right now but it feels like I need to tell you this, because who knows if we will make it out alive? This is the bad thing about the survey corps, you don’t really know whether you still have tomorrow. And I saw enough people die to know that you should say those things when you get the chance, I’m too scared of dying without having told you what I truly feel, you know?

And somehow, I’m not even scared that you would die, maybe it’s because I just can’t picture having to live on without you. But if I’d die tomorrow, you should know how much I love you, Armin.

I know, I know, I told you countless times, I’ve told you pretty much every day. But that’s not what I mean, not those quick ‘I love you’s in the morning and in the hallways, not the heated ‘I love you’s between kisses. I have so many things to say that I never dare to say out loud because they’d be embarrassing and I’m afraid that they will suffocate you, that they are just a bit too much.

The truth is, I probably fell in love with you the moment I first saw you. I didn’t know back then, I just saw you and thought about how the sun reflected in your hair and how your eyes were as blue as a clear river. I wouldn’t have dared to speak to you back then, the way that Mikasa and Eren seemed to be the guarding shadows behind you made me fear for my own life if I would have said something wrong. But when I had dared to speak to you, I remember thinking that your voice was so soft and beautiful and that I could have listened to it for ever.

The first time that we spoke, I still had no idea that I loved you, I just knew that you were beautiful and amazing and that I felt an incredibly urge to be close to you. Do you see how ridiculous it is whenever you think that you aren’t good enough? I couldn’t stop thinking about you for days. About your eyes and your voice and your pretty face.

When I realized that I love you, it hit me so hard, as if I had collided with a building, flying through the air with my gear at full speed. You remember how at some point, I stopped talking to you? I was pretty sure that I wouldn’t have been able to get out just a single coherent sentence. It was really stupid, I was just a mess whenever I saw you. It took me a few weeks to get myself back together, to start talking with you again, with the person I loved.

And I fell in love with you even more, with the way you smile and the way that you run your fingers through your hair. I fell in love with the way you giggle and the way you laugh at my jokes. Thanks for that, by the way, I know that they aren’t even good.

Exactly like that, that’s what I love so much. And I love it even more if you laugh into my chest, the way you just did, the way it tickles at my skin.

But back to what I was saying. So I realized that I loved you but I had no clue how you felt, I was so oblivious back then. But you are an angel and I am me, I mean I’m not that bad but I’m just a human. And I spent night after night thinking if I should just tell you that I loved you and it didn’t even cross my mind that you knew – I couldn’t see myself blushing whenever we were talking like you did and as I said, I was really oblivious.

And I was so surprised when you kissed me for the first time, I didn’t expect it at all. It knocked me off my feet, pretty much literally because I tripped and then I landed on top of you and we were both laughing because it was pretty hilarious. But it had kind of ruined the mood, or so I thought, and if we haven’t already been on the ground, it would have knocked me off my feet again when you had pressed me closer to you. I think I stopped thinking completely by then, my head was just filled with your scent and the feeling of your body close to mine.

Armin, every time that those memories come back, those memories from Trost or from the expedition, I always try to think of this moment, of our first kiss, because it is one of the happiest moments of my life.

If I’m honest, I shared most of the happiest moments of my life with you. You have the ability to make every moment into a beautiful and happy moment and just the way we are right now, you laying in my arms, this is more than I could ever ask for. You are more than I could ever ask for.

And I don’t know how I deserved you, because I was an ungrateful, self-centred brat when we met and maybe I’m still one but I think that I have changed a whole lot since we met, well, truth be told, a whole lot had happened since we met, but I’m so glad that you put up with me. That when I wake up in the morning, you are still there beside me and that the first thing I see is your face. That when I go to sleep at night, you are still there, your head on my chest and that the last thing I hear is your sweet voice wishing me goodnight. I’m so glad that you love me too, sometimes I just can’t believe it. So thank you for being there, I guess.

Do you want to know another reason why I can’t picture you dying before me? Because I have been so close to dying a few times and it had always been you who had saved me. I don’t even know how often you have saved my life so far. Sure, there was that time with the female titan and at the rescue operation and, you know, when you shot that woman but there are so many times that you aren’t even aware about, where I was on the verge of breaking down and losing my mind over all what has happened in the past few months. Where I thought about you and the way that your hand moves idly when you are turning the page of a book. It’s such a simple thing but I have never seen anyone doing it with more grace than you do. You’re pretty much saving my life every day that I am with you.

And I want to be just that for you too, I want to be there to save your life, I want to come to your rescue and even if it’s just that I make you smile on a really hard day that doesn’t seem to have an end, I want to be there for you and save you. I will be there when you feel alone and I’ll tell you that you’re wrong when you think you are weak. I will hold you close when you feel like crying, I will rub your back then and kiss your tears away. And when you are cold, I’ll be there to warm you up again.

I love you so much, so much that I can’t even really put it in words. I’ve never felt like that before, I thought that this whole thing that you meet someone and then you know that you want to spend the rest of your life with that person is just one huge illusion, something you believe in when you are a child but that doesn’t actually exist, like fairies or dragons. But now I’ve met you and I can’t picture being without you anymore, I can’t picture myself being with anyone but you and it’s pretty much ridiculous because we are 15. And I haven’t even been with anyone besides you but I don’t care. I just want to be with you.

And I want to be with you forever, I hope our forever will be really long, I hope we’ll survive tomorrow and the day after and the next week and the day after. Let’s grow old together, Armin. Let’s go see the ocean together. I want to spend every day of my life with you and I just hope that you feel somehow the same. You drive me crazy, my love.

No, don’t cry, please, it’s ok. Was it too much?

Then you don’t have to say anything.

I love you too. Goodnight, sweetheart.”


End file.
